Are You Really in LoveWith …
… yourself?
Yep. You read that question correctly.
I’ll ask it again, and this time, let every distraction fade into the background and allow yourself to answer honestly.
Do you love yourself?
If you answered that question with any of the following responses, this article is a MUST READ for you.
“Maybe.”
“Sometimes.”
“Yeah, but …”
“I don’t know.”
“Not really.”
Show of hands, who literally had any of these answers pop into your mind in response to the question?
I know, I can’t see you right now, but you can go on ahead and raise that hand. Put it on up there!
It seems like a relatively simple question to answer.
In reality, it is one of the most challenging questions Christian women have to face.
You spend your days working hard to model the Proverbs 31 woman.
You wake up earlier than the rest of the family to take care of some tidying up before the chaos begins.
Clothes have to be laid out. Socks have to be found. Dishes need to be put away. Lunches must be prepared.
That’s just the short list.
Oh, and at some point, you have to find time to throw on some clothes and get yourself ready for the day.
You head to work with your mind full of all the tasks on your list of “to dos.”
Of course, your mind constantly flip flops between what you must get done for work, the chores remaining undone at home, and everything your children need for school.
You may even have the extra responsibilities of being a caregiver for a parent or an in-law.
Not to mention you volunteer at church and have a few things on your to-do list for that as well.
Your plate is full.
But somehow, more and more seems to get added even though free space isn’t being made.
You’re tired.
You’re overwhelmed.
You’re struggling.
But … you don’t often let yourself embrace any of these realities simply because … you don’t have time.
You don’t have time to allow yourself to “feel” what is your reality.
Why?
That’s another solid question that may be hard to answer.
The short answer, and the most evident one, is simple.
You don’t allow yourself to acknowledge your own exhaustion and brokenness because you are caught up in the longest existing tall tale ever told.
A tale that says that Christian women must live up to the Proverbs 31 woman at all costs … mostly at the cost of herself.
She must deny herself to serve others.
She must be the caregiver of those around her, even when she is not feeling well.
She must ensure others have breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, and Starbucks … and of course, she can feast on the leftovers.
She must pour out of her time, talents, and emotions … but never get poured back into … because that would be selfish.
I have another question for you.
Answer this question honestly as well.
How long will you be able to be the Proverbs 31 woman in your world if …
You deny serving yourself with the same care you serve others with …
You push yourself to take care of everyone else when they are ill and do not care for yourself when you are ill …
You provide nutrition for others and only partake of the leftovers for yourself …
You pour out every ounce of your strength and virtue and don’t allow yourself to be poured into …
I wonder if you are on the other side of these questions feeling a little bit like you’ve found yourself in a place you feel you have no other choice – because it’s just what a Christian woman is supposed to do.
Sister, friend, fellow woman in Christ … let’s connect on something very important right now.
You.
You are very important.
Need a little convincing?
Let’s take a look together at exactly why you are important and should be showing yourself love.
Say this with me – out loud if you will …
God Does Have a Purpose for Me
“Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5
This scripture, found in the book of Jeremiah, says that God created you with a very specific intention.
You must know when God takes the time to create and breath life into a person, He has the highest hopes and expectations for their life. God does not haphazardly create. You were intentional.
“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are they works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” Psalm 139:4
Scripture in the book of Psalm goes a step further to let you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Artists today go to great lengths to care for their masterpieces.
You, sister, are a masterpiece of the creator of Heaven and Earth.
You are important.
It is imperative you give yourself permission to love yourself.
You may be a little more open to that concept, but still not sure.
Let’s continue to seek out just how precious you are in the sight of God.
Why Should I Love Myself?
“Master, which is the greatest commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all they heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40
When Jesus was asked about what was most important to him, he gave two answers.
Love God.
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.
He went on to say that all the law was literally hanging on those two commandments. They were just that important.
The loving God and loving your neighbor portion of the scripture seems to be primary messaging most receive; however, there is more.
“Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”
If God tells you to love and care about your neighbor and he tells you to do so as you would love and care for yourself, it’s safe to say that God did not intend for you to run yourself to a literal breaking point where you would not be able to care for others or yourself.
To love others, that love must be preceded with a love for self because that love for self creates the foundation that gives you the strength to pour into others.
How Do I Start Loving Myself?
You have been pouring yourself into others for so long, knowing how to start loving yourself may be a foreign thought.
Let’s explore a few ways you can begin showing yourself love, starting today.
Rest
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
Breaking away from the hustle and bustle of life and spending a few minutes with Jesus will refill your cup in a way that a full night’s sleep can’t.
Although, you shouldn’t underestimate the power of a little shut eye.
Elijah slept. Jesus slept.
If the fiery prophet and the Great I Am took time to rest their bodies, so should you.
Get Away
Before you start thinking about not having time to “get away,” know there is another type of get away that won’t cost all your frequent flyer miles.
“For you have been a refuse for me, A tower of strength against the enemy.” Psalm 61:3
Scripture tells us that God is a strong tower, a place where we can run and hide and get a little break from the chaos of life.
In times you can’t take a trip out of town, take a trip into His presence and “hide out” for a bit. He has made himself available.
Seek Wisdom
“He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: he that keepeth understanding shall find good.” Proverbs 19:8
There are a lot of ways to love yourself. You may have experimented with a few methods and still find yourself getting caught up in pouring yourself out day after day.
It’s okay, and even advised, to seek out those who can help you in these times.
Where the world pushes independence, the Bible encourages using the tools, resources, and people that God has established to help His people in times of need.
If you find yourself at the end of yourself, that’s a great place to be.
That’s exactly where the woman with the issue of blood was when she found Jesus and she walked away from that encounter made whole.
God knows exactly where you are and He knows exactly what you need.
He has placed resources in line for you to begin learning why it’s important to show yourself love and how you can begin to show yourself love.
If you need some help in your self-love journey, I’d love to jump on a call with you to help you through the first steps.
Don’t wait until your all poured out to allow someone to pour into you.
Are You Settling for Less?
Do you remember what life was like when you were in your late teens and early twenties?
If you were anything like me, you had extraordinary dreams and expectations of what life was going to be like.
Almost … a little fairy-tale-ish … if I had to be honest with myself.
I remember one instance from this time in my life that left me simultaneously feeling shaken and excited.
I entered Walmart to run a quick errand. The Walmart greeter welcomed me to the store … just like he had with all those who entered before me.
After greeting me, he took a second look at me and stopped me. His face had changed from the generic greeter smile to one of serious wisdom.
“I don’t know why I am telling you this, but I feel like you need to hear it,” he shared, with an authority I can only relate to that of the “prophets of old.”
“Don’t settle for anything less than God has for you. God wants you to know that and remember that.”
I thanked the greeter and went on.
On the outside I may have seemed a little nonchalant to his … advice … guidance … warning …
But inside, his words repeated in my mind without ceasing.
Over the years, these words have not left me.
In fact, there have been moments I’ve heard that greeter’s voice in my mind as if only a few moments of time had passed.
Friend, today, I am your greeter.
I am asking you to slow down and pause from the hustle and bustle of your life and listen.
Listen … and remember.
Because God wants a message passed along to you.
“Don’t settle for anything less than God has for you.”
Let those words penetrate your heart.
Let them repeat in your mind, without ceasing.
Let them become the foundation by which you take every step and make every decision moving forward.
Why am I sharing this with you?
Because friend, you have lost the part of you that once dreamed … that once planned … that once cared about your life and got excited about your future.
The floodgates of life and life’s responsibilities opened on you a long while ago … and since … you have been hastily trying not to drown.
And that, friend, has become your norm.
Just trying to keep your head above water.
You may not look like you are treading water on the outside, in fact, you may look as though you have everything in perfect order.
You may be excelling on your job.
You may be extraordinary in ensuring your family is well taken care of.
You may even be rating five stars on all the volunteer work you are putting in.
But on the inside …
On the inside friend, you are treading water in the sea of self-doubt, self-criticism, and maybe even self-loathing.
You, friend, are settling for less than God has for you.
I don’t share this to be critical.
Instead, I share this because it has been the guidance that has helped me time and again.
These words, uttered by a complete stranger, in a moment they seemed bizarre and unfitting, have taught me four very important lessons.
Lessons I am passing along to you today.
God Cares About You
You see, in some broad way I knew that God “cared” about people.
But, until the moment a stranger spoke into my life, I didn’t realize that God’s care was personal.
It was so personal He sent a complete stranger … a Walmart greeter … to give me guidance I would need throughout my future.
This encounter allowed me to see God as more of a personal God, rather than a “somewhere out there God.”
Of the crowd of people in Walmart … and the world … God stopped my world for just a moment to let me know He cared. He cared enough to send someone with very wise words to speak into my heart.
Scripture found in the book of Luke is also a great reminder of how much God cares for us.
“Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and none of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.” Luke 12: 6-7
God Does Have a Purpose for You
I realized that if God cared enough to send me a personal message, He must have done so for a reason.
He must have had a purpose for my life.
Again, I also “knew” I had a purpose. I just didn’t comprehend that my purpose was a God-ordained purpose.
I also didn’t realize how much me “not settling” weighed upon that purpose.
This message inspired me, time and again throughout the years, to pause and evaluate the moment I was in to determine if I was “settling” and treading water or if I was making strides toward “what God had for me.”
One’s purpose isn’t the easiest to put into words, but I will say …
There is something on the inside of you that indicates where you are on this journey.
You will know, if you are honest with yourself, if you are treading water and “settling” for less than what God has for your life.
God does have a purpose for you, so pay attention to that little voice on the inside.
“For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him.” Colossians 1:16
The Risk in Settling for Less than God Has for You
In realizing that God cared about me and that God had a purpose for me, I became aware of the importance of walking in that purpose.
It’s an awareness that can feel both heavy and empowering at the same time.
Of course, there were countless times I started to live outside the purpose God had for me.
And when I did, I could feel it.
Do you know what it felt like?
It felt like treading water …
It felt like everything I was “trying” to do was an uphill battle.
It felt like I was constantly working and moving and pivoting to “make things work.”
In these times I wasn’t initially aware that what I was actually doing was “settling for less.”
Settling for less than what God has for you comes with risks.
The constant “flailing” and “treading” of water left me in a constant state of weariness and anxiety.
My failure to get traction in life, combined with my weary mind and body, brought on an onslaught of other things … self-doubt … anxiety … depression.
Like a landslide, these brought about a whole set of problems … emotional problems … health problems … weight gain.
I have found that when I became aware that I was “settling” and made intentional efforts to seek out God’s path and get on it, all of these “symptoms” seemed to be easier to handle and overcome.
Self-Love is a Must in Apprehending all God Has for You
One of the most important lessons on this journey to “not settling” is the realization that self love is a must.
Why?
How is self-love factored into “not settling.”
Well, it all fits together in one big, beautifully orchestrated design.
God cares about you.
God not only cares about you, you were created by Him and for Him.
God has a purpose for you.
That purpose is so specific … and so powerful … that walking outside that plan can make you feel like your whole world is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
The energy you pour out trying to get that peg into a hole it wasn’t designed for will cause you to become weary and beaten down.
That weariness will take a toll on your mind, body, and spirit.
That toll will have an emotional and physical impact on your body and your health.
This leads me to ask “why.”
Why, in knowing all we now know, would we continue to flail … tread water … work in vain to fit square pegs into round holes … to settle for less than God has for us …
The answer is simple and powerful.
Because we don’t love ourselves enough to truly BELIEVE …
… that God cares for us and has a purpose for us.
I know, it’s a hard truth.
A lack of self-love will cause us to settle because despite knowing and loving and trusting God …
We just don’t have enough love for ourselves to feel worthy.
Friends, God didn’t form you by hand and breathe his breath of life into you for no reason.
He didn’t call you out of darkness into His marvelous light so that you could “just exist.”
No.
He knew you before you were born.
He had and has a purpose for your life.
He has designed you specifically for that purpose.
God wants you to know that He has MORE for you.
He wants you to STOP settling for less than He designed for you.
Don’t be like the child who gets an expensive gift and feels only worthy enough to play with the box.
Friend, apprehend that for which you have been created and apprehended.
The journey to end the treading … flailing … settling …
It starts with self-love.
You may be asking yourself how.
How do I stop treading water?
How do I stop flailing in the sea of overwhelm?
How do I stop settling?
How do I learn to love myself the way God designed me to?
Friend, that’s why I am here.
I’ve been on this journey too and I am here today as a person God has strategically placed in your life.
Every moment that goes by is another moment you are settling for less.
Don’t settle for less longer than you have to.
Let’s connect and get you on the path to taking hold of all of the wonderful things God has for your life!
Sign up for a discovery call HERE
Love is Pain …
That’s the answer I received from a classroom of teenage girls when I asked them what love meant to them.
I was astonished that anyone could associate love as pain.
I was even more puzzled by the fact that the entire group of young girls felt the same way.
I decided to ask the same question to a different set of girls … just to find out if this was a common theme among young people.
The same answer resonated among these girls as well.
To say I was taken back is an understatement.
Although this realization pained me, it opened my eyes to how many girls, young ladies, and even women perceive love.
It also made me ask another question.
“Why do so many believe love is pain?”
I soon learned, during the numerous conversations I started having around the topic, that the problem actually begins with each individual’s interpretation of what love is.
What is Love?
To the young girls and women, I was speaking with, love was pain.
Most had grown up in an environment where the role models in their lives … the same people who were supposed to love and protect them … had instead managed to cause them pain.
Therefore, love equaled pain.
The truth about what love is could not be further from this clouded understanding.
That’s when I started to share with them what God says love is.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
To those who have never heard about the love of God … and even those who may just need a reminder … this definition is a lot to grasp.
God’s word lays out the depth of His love and gives us an outline of what constitutes as love and what does not.
This also forced me to ask another question.
“If so many don’t understand what love really is, do they know how to be loved and how to love themselves?”
It also inspires me to ask you a question.
What Does Love Mean to You?
Right now … today … in this moment …
What definition would you give love?
Would you associate love with pain, as so many do?
Or … would you associate love with how God defines it to be?
Being honest with yourself is important.
How you allow others to treat you and how you treat yourself all begins with your personal understanding of love.
As you read you may be immediately connecting with the “pain is love” perception.
You may also have neglected to allow yourself to officially define love in your life.
Take a few minutes to read through this self-assessment to help you know where you stand when it comes to love.
Do You Love Yourself?
How patient are you with yourself?
In what ways do you show yourself kindness?
Do you allow pride to get in the way of asking for help when you need it?
In what ways do you honor yourself?
Are you easily angered at yourself when you fall short of meeting personal goals?
How long do you keep track of what you consider to be personal failures?
Do you allow moments to reflect on areas you would like to improve AS WELL AS areas you flourish?
Do you protect yourself against the negative thoughts that creep in your mind?
Do you trust yourself to set healthy boundaries for yourself?
Do you allow yourself to find hope in your strengths and your future?
Have you given up on yourself?
These questions are based on God’s definition of love.
If answered with genuine reflection, you may have found you don’t show yourself the same kind of love that God desires for you to receive.
Yes … even from yourself.
Remember, your perspective of what love is will not only impact how you represent love to yourself, but also how you allow others to love or fail to love you.
If you are on the other side of these questions and have discovered your self-love isn’t in line with God’s definition of love, here is a daily reflection tool to help you develop a love for yourself that is God-centered.
Developing a Self-Love Mindset
Take five minutes each day to create a foundation of God-centered self-love by completing the following activity.
Today I choose to forgive myself for …
Today I will show myself kindness by …
Today I will ask for help doing …
Today I will honor myself by …
Today I will give myself another chance to … without becoming angry at my shortcomings.
Today I accomplished …
Today I have grown by …
Today, when negative thoughts about myself begin to come in, I will immediately begin to …
Today I will create a healthy boundary for myself by …
Today I will renew hope in my strengths and my future by …
Today, I will NOT give up on myself.
God loves me and I WILL align myself with the ways He has chosen to love me!
Friend, my heart aches for those who associate love with pain.
Especially when God loves us so completely and in ways that only grow us and make us stronger.
If you find yourself struggling with self-love and needing a little extra support to learn how to find God-centered love, I would love to connect with you.
Set your Discovery Call today - it is a great opportunity to show yourself some love!
I would also love to hear back about your daily self-love reflections.